So today I have been thinking a lot about stuff in my life and how I have approached my life up to this point. I say that because recently, meaning within the last few days, I had a significant health scare. At work on Saturday, I had what I believed to be some kind of a heart arrythmia. While playing basketball with some of the kids I work with, my chest all of a sudden began to get really tight and I found it difficult to breathe, then out of nowhere my heart started beating almost double time. Over the last 24 hours since the episode I have been, as I mentioned, concerened. Through conversations with people close to me and some self-exploration, I have decided that my lifestyle needs a good changing. So no more bad foods for me and more exercise.

But on a positive note, Jinny and I are still together (I have a history of significantly brief relationships) and show no sign of slowing down. It's different being able to see myself being with her despite all my fears. I see myself marrying her down the road if God allows it. She is looking at attending Boise State University or Long Beach University in the Spring or fall of 2007, and I have every intention of following her wherever she goes after I graduate from this hell hole known as Mesa State College. Oh and the cool thing too about going to Boise is that my brother Jordan will be attending in the Spring of 2007. I would be stoked about living with Jordan. It would be a fun roommate experience for once.

Anyways, I hope all is well with my you my awesome friends. God bless you all and we should definetely talk some more. :-)

Nate

P.S. You should also go out and buy Imogen Heap's album ( i have it listed above. it will blow your mind, if you're into good music, which you all are I hope). Also if anyone happens to know or care to tell, is Imogen Heap actually a dude? Because that would stress me out a little bit if that was the case. I find the music illuminating and Imogen kind of attractive. So anyways. As you were.

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD, NO EXPLANATIONS.

1. Yourself: confused

2. Your Lover: beautiful

3. Your Hair: disheveled

4. Your Mother: resourceful

5. Your Father: kind

6. Your Favorite Item: music

7. Your Dream Last Night: Guerilla

8. Your Favorite Drink: screwdriver

9. Your Dream Home: modest

10. The Room You Are In: brother's

11. Your Pet: labrador

12. Who You Are With Now: alone

13. Who You Want to be with in Ten years: Jinny

14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: content

15. What You're Not: showered

16. Your Best Friend: Hawaii

17. One of Your Wish list Items: Yaris

18. Your Gender: male

19. The Last Thing You Did: laundry

20. What You Are Wearing: sweats

21. Your Favorite Weather: warm

22. Your Favorite Book: Choke

23. The Last Thing You Ate: sandwich

24. Your Life: rushed

25. Your Mood: resolute

As I have mentioned several times in the past, I'm almost done with school. Yet, due to my lax study practices, my dream of graduation this fall, on schedule, may have to be postponed a semester. I got a D on my first Psych Interviewing test, and I just yesterday got back my first Systems and Theories test where I recieved 38 points out of a possible 85. YIKES! So, my wake up call is here. If I want to finish in the time I planned, I need to devise a strategy to better utilize my time. I think the most obvious, but most neglected, is going thoroughly over my readings and taking notes. I've never been an advocate of notes because I have gotten through so many other classes not taking them. But I think now I'm due up for some study skills. These classes just simply require it. Sad however that my epiphany has to come two semesters from graduation, but better late then never right? So anyways. If you don't hear from me in the next couple weeks or so, it's because I'm studying or sleeping, or wallowing in self-pity. Take your pick. Peace.

With my last semester of college fast approaching, I've been starting to ask myself what it is that I want to do with my degree. I've thought about working with adolescents, primarily because I work with them now. THen there's the ever-important aspect of graduate school. It's almost a given to have a Master's degree in order to really do anything with psychology. I just don't want to go to grad school right after I graduate. That would be lunacy in my opinion. I'm thinking about taking a year off and just working and trying to do some self-discovery.

My Psych of Religion professor mentioned that my demographic (18-25) experiences at some point what is known as intellectual disequlibrium. It sounds really brainy, but it's really just the problem of pinning down what you believe. And I am starting to understand more of who I am as a person, and I still have much to learn. But I think that if I allowed myself the chance to and the space to do this, I might learn more about myself. And it takes me away from the whole school thing. It sucks actually. Too many classes. I hate the academic bulimia you have to endure in school. Read this, and then expel it onto paper just to let us know what you know. It just doesn't seem like the best way for an adult to learn. It works wonders for primary and secondary school, but not in college. I effing hate it. But I'm still realizing that this will occur all throughout my life. Doesn't change my feelings of hatred towards testing. Anyways. I have accomplished nothing in writing this, but I feel a little better. Peace out homies.

So. Have a little question. I seem to be on a metaphysical, intellectual quest to piss off or attract the people that are closest to me, but what do you guys think of absolutes? Do they exist? Given a world of seeming uncertainty, does that make them more appealing? Can religion be maintained if they do not exist? Just some thoughts I've been having lately. I would appreciate your thoughts on this. Peace.

Disclaimer: I wrote this all at once and it was merely me placing my thoughts and feelings down on a page. Please feel free to comment on this. I want feedback. It you disagree or agree, I want to know. Peace.

They say, "It's rude to point". Besides you have 3 fingers pointing right back at you. The reason I say this is due to a few posts I've seen from people in some of my MySpace groups claiming allegiance to the Christian faith. I've been a part of the church for all my life, save for the last few years. My lack of attendance has been part neglect and part necessity. I have been working and most of my shifts land on Sunday morning. Also I feel that I have not found a church, or a religion for that matter that has satisfied my desire for the truth.

Perhaps its because I've been attending a public college that I've been experiencing it, but I have been dealing with a great deal of disequlibrium when it comes to God and religion. I'm currently taking a class on the Psychology of Religion. Sounds boring and heady at best, but it's actually quite an intriguing class. Its main purpose, as I have seen so far, is to reveal the secrets and origin of religion in general. There are so many similiarities in almost every religion, it's eerie. This is known as the "monomyth". This states simply that every religion contains elements that are basic to the beliefs and claims of said religion. For example: Within the Christian faith, there is the belief that Jesus died, and was raised soon after his passing. Within most major religions, the main character has a similar fate.

I said all that to say this. Every religion has its basis. My claims are at best, false and unfounded attempts at reducing any kind of issue I have with religion. However,it's hard to deny the truth when the evidence is fairly convincing otherwise. In my opinion, religion seems to be a way for the human race to justify it's own existence. I'm not being facetious here. The facets of religion had to start somewhere, and it usually starts with one person. Islam - Mohammed, Christianity - Jesus, Mormonism - Joseph Smith. Religions are based upon the beliefs and ideas of one person who carries with them a great deal of charisma and affability.

So back to my original claim about people within the Christian faith who have been pointing fingers and complaining about others. Maybe it's time for the church to take a good hard look at itself before stating that it is the way the truth and the life. It's a good way of touting your own existence and giving oneself a reassurance that there is something beyond this mortal existence. I for one, am scared of death, but am willing to accept the possibility that there might not be anything beyond this life.

working complacency
stagnant normalcy
pushing, pushing, pushing.

forging personality
faking reality
taking, taking, taking.

placing allegiance
breaking happiness
losing, losing, losing.

yelling obscenity
holes creating
tearing, tearing, tearing.

tearing up in pain
my ears begin to pour red
in the shape of letters and symbols
passing out pamphlets and tissues
cleaning remains
of a mess that can't be sanitized

only in the end
at no time and no place
when tomorrow is yesterday
age's irrelevancy
defecating on the faces of our fathers
let the maggots eat away

....for another day.

So happy news in the area of vehicles. I was driving home from bowling the other night with Jinny, and I'm driving along just recently having beat her and being handed a beating in bowling. So I was in a generally neutral mood. I could go either way with my mood at this point. While driving, one must soon stop. So I did. At a stop light, where out of nowhere, smoke/steam starts billowing out from my undercarriage and from under the hood. This happens whenever I stop. So I go to the closest place - Albertsons - to get some coolant, assuming that was what was wrong with my jeep. So I get to the Albertsons and again, my jeep just drops a proverbial smoke/steam dump. I open up the hood, there's antifreeze all over the underside of my hood and all over my engine, and it's even seeping out from under onto the body.

So fast-forward to the next day. I take my jeep into the dealership, charge me 90 bucks to have it looked at, and then upon calling me back with the total tell me that my radiator is plugged, 4 hoses are beyond repair and my water pump is leaky. All of this to the tune of 1100 dollars. 1100 DOLLARS!!! (Oh and on a side note with all of this, Zach "aka fasshole(short for fat asshole), the towing guy was an asshole. Laughed at me when I told him what was wrong with my jeep and how much it was going to cost). So we called Jinny's dad and he recommended a place to take my jeep to. Took in there and they said they could repair it for almost 400 dollars cheaper. So, long effing story short, stay away from dealerships, unless you're on warranty. I've also learned to appreciate not having a car and getting rides from people. Anyways. Whining is complete. Peace.

I woke up this morning thinking that I was somewhere else. I don't know why. I got to bed around midnight last night and wondered softly to myself, "Is it really 6:30 already?". I had that feeling where all I wanted to do was stay in bed and fall asleep for the rest of my life. I didn't even shower this morning *ick*. So I'm on my break at work right now, feeling tired as crap and wanting more than anything to not be here. Mainly because, as I mentioned, I am tired. I will nap when I return home this evening. I'm going to sleep for the rest of my life, just like I said. Cheers.

It's amazing how much better your day goes when you spend it with the person who can slow time down and make it feel like it goes on forever. And then realizing when it's over that only an hour has gone by. Like the song Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson, it's so good when the whole world sits inside of your arms. I've known Jinny for a little more than 3 weeks and already I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her. Forgive the sappiness, but for the first time in my life, I think I'm in love. You say '3 weeks, that's awful fast!'. Maybe so. But I've never, and I mean NEVER, felt this way about someone. Every moment I spend with her is precious and cherished. Whenever we're away, it makes the coming back together all the sweeter. I do believe this is the woman I'm going to marry. Don't fuck this one up Nate.